Day 62

I started feeling tired and slightly feverish about an hour before class. I was okay until we started. Then, I started resisting. During Pranayama Breathing, I started feeling like I didn't want to be there. I wanted to be anywhere else but that room. I haven't had this kind of reaction in a while and I don't remember feeling this angry about it before. I stayed. Before the first set of Half Moon Pose was done I was holding back tears. I just wanted to crumple into a ball on the floor. There wasn't any particular reason for this. Life has been difficult, emotionally tumultuous, and full of change, but I usually know what is making me upset in the moment. What is triggering an overflowing of emotion. I attempted to concentrate and told myself that all I had to do was stay in the room and not run out. I let myself skip a lot of sets but tried to do at least one of each pose. I noticed that the pelvis opening poses were causing me to tear up more than others. I had to work harder to keep myself together during and after anything that stretched my gluts or opened my pelvis. That's a good number of poses... Every sit up took a lot of strength of will. I had to force myself to keep moving. I knew that if I just stayed in Savasana I'd lose what little control I had over my tear ducts. It felt like I was just oozing negative energy and I felt bad for the people around me. The class dragged on and I dragged myself through it. I only attempted Camel Pose once and held back a lot. I knew that if I went into it as deep as I usually do I'd turn into a blubbering mess for sure. I wasn't chatty after class. I showered, acted polite and kind and left. On my way out, the teacher told me "nice class!" I said that it wasn't and that I just managed to stay in the room. He said, kindly, "just say thank you." I said "thank you, but that's a crock of shit." I went to Jewel and bought some food stuffs including 2 containers of ice cream. I also got decongestant to help me sleep tonight. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow has to be better.

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